the first the worst

9.00am eagerly rushing to OT (Operation Theatre) to have my premier clinical experience! Before entering the gate,i prayed to ALLAH -give me a chance to enter the OT-as before this ,some of my friends didn't get the permission to join the surgery.

Alhamdullilah,we arrived a little bit early before the surgery.There'll be 4 operations today.And lucky of me,i got the chance to see a major operation of UNSAFE CHRONIC SUPPURATIVE OTITIS MEDIA complicated with BRAIN ABSCESS.After wearing the green surgical suit(though i'ved already got one maroon suit-but then, no one wear this color!), i waited outside the OT with my others friends and Egyptian's students.They claimed today was their day and they got the special invitation from their doctor.Actually, we were fighting for this one major operation while there were still other 3 operation of myringotomy and some simple cases!.Being a malaysian,i guess we have the privilege!Only 4 of us together with other MOs got the tickets to enter the OT!The Egyptian students were chased away to other OT.ngeh3...

The patient already anaesthetised and covered up all over the body.With extremely extraordinary spirit, i followed the senior doctor for observing the CT scan and MRI.The dr showed us the abscess in the brain.But this operation will do nothing to the abscess.Leave it for the neurosurgeon.All they got to do was repaired the ear! Of course -as this is the ENT department.

According to him,the patient will undergoes an operation called RADICAL MASTOIDECTOMY which will remove part of our skull behind the ear.So,the doc started to draw the mark for the incision.At first,i thought he'll be using some sort of special pencil or the same kind of thing.But NO,i wronged!He used the sharp tip of the syringe and drew the line.Little blood came out of this small incision.I took a deep breath and tried to calm myself.This was only the beginning.Be strong!

Then,he started to inject saline adrenaline  around the marks to make a clear picture before he cut opened the patient's scalp!.3 big syringe of saline was injected.I felt nauseated.My stomach started to give me strange feeling.Then,the process went on.The doctor started to cut the scalp exposing the underlying layer of skin.

Grrrrr...grrrr...the drilling was started.The burnt of the drilled skull overwhelmed the room full of doctors! Allah,my head was spinning around and my leg got paralysed!I hold tight to Syida's shoulder and she hold me back.I whispered to her "syida,saya nak pengsan".Then everything turned dark!

I heard syida n siti were calling for my name and slapped my cheek.I opened my eyes and realised i was on the floor.My face turned white as the dead person.Nurse there saw me and asked them " huh...pengsan...?" as this was the common thing here in OT.She asked me to have rest in the room.But i tried to be strong and after 10 mins resting,i went back to the OT.The patient's inner ear was fully exposed and the doc was now removing the granulation tissue.At the beginning doctor diagnosed this patient had cholesteatoma but in the middle of the operation,they found this granulation tissue that ruled out other problems eg tumor!.

I went back trying to be strong.But again,maybe i forgot my selawat before entering the room,i collapsed again..Then,i back out there waiting for my strength to build up.After felt strong enough,i went back there and i guessed it work.I did'nt collapse but it was tiring to just stand there for hours.I took the MO's seat though i saw him giving me those look.haha...i did'nt care anymore as long as i could be in here.

Hour and half,still the doctor couldn't figure out what was the main problem.Duhr's azan could be heard from outside.and the clock showed it was already 12noon.I thought,this is it.I couldn't wait any longer as my leg had no strength to stand for other 2 hours  or more.

Out from OT and went to buy the choc milk and bread to replace my depleted glucose back there in OT.My nausea and headache ran away after walking out from OT!Actually,the operation was erm,i myself not sure whether it reach half of the way or not,but for sure,i left the OT before it is completed.And i didn't even  know the exact diagnosis of this patient!

Actually,this really make me sad.Yes,i never experience this scary situation right in front of this 2 eyes.Even last year when my friend invited me to join her doing the attachment at hospital,i refused.Because of what? I am not brave enough to face all these doctor's stuff.Even up till now,i still need at least 5 person to hold me tight whenever i have to be injected!

How can i overcome this fear? I really want to practice medicine in  3 years to come.I am now the 4th year medicine student but still i can't even hold myself! Allah,i know YOU are the ONE that can help me go through this and from you i ask the strength! Give me the courage to face all this and insyaALLAH,next time i'll try again.Even mum told me to get use if this and prepare myself for the carrier ahead!

I'll try again and again.I hope i get habituated with this blood and smell and who know this chicken doc-to-be will be the greatest doc in the future! Ameen!

Wallahua'lam